work too much.

I have barely slept in the last two weeks, due to working and attending school full time. The only reason I'm getting full time right now is because so many people left at once and there's no one else to take their hours. It's wearing me down, and I can see it in my grades. Luckily, I just requested every Friday off in the future. I really hope that helps. Working is great, but not in abundance. The paycheck may be pretty, but my grades sure aren't.

talk to my older brothers about deeper junk

(Or at all, for that matter.)
I am really upset and have no one to really talk to. Something most don't know about me is I have four older siblings, three of which are brothers. Ian lives with me, Daniel has his own place in Roselle, and Matthew lives in Seattle. Needless to say, I rarely speak with the latter two. Matt and I text every once in a while, and Daniel and I talk even less frequently. Funny thing, I went to do my english homework and forgot that I don't have a program that can open .doc files, so that made me even more upset than I already was. So I got on AIM. Yep, AIM. I knew Daniel would be on. I got on to ask him what program I should download, but I also wanted to talk a little bit. He's probably my favorite brother to talk to about deeper issues and things in general. We're a lot alike. I thought that after my dad lost our childhood home, I'd lose any connection with my siblings. And I feel like it's kind of true, but I'm glad I can still talk to them sometimes. Matt and Daniel are the only siblings I feel understand, though. Anyway, it just feels alright to have someone to talk to these days, even if it's super infrequent.

am sad.

I have nothing to say except, "I am sad." Very sad. This blog is meant to embrace the little things in life that make me happy. But what am I supposed to say when I'm not happy? I guess I could say how I feel when I am sad. I hope no one actually reads this, but I am going to lose it if I don't vent a little bit, and I have to write this dumb blog or I won't get a good grade so I don't want to do any extra work by doing these things separately.
I feel like a big, fat slug. I don't want to move. I don't want to eat. I don't want to go to sleep, even. Here I am, existing, with this giant void and sadness in me and there is nothing to be done about it.  You'd think at eighteen, I could handle these feelings. But lately, all I can do is sit in my room and stare at the wall, focusing on the texture, color, anything, somehow convincing myself that it is the least bit productive. My entitlement to happiness is well deserved, but somehow, something manages to snatch it out of my hands the second it is within reach. I hate everything, at least until my next blog post.

can tell my cat, Cartwright, is happy.

Although you are nearing old age, your stance is still just as loving and brave as when you were a little ball of fluff. You sleep in the crook of my legs when you know I'm depressed. You nod at me in acknowledgement. You squint at me with admiration. I don't think it's true what people say- that cats only rely on us for food. Pets, or should I say, companions, rely on us for love. In fact, they thrive on love. It'd be foolish to say showing genuine love and care for your companion doesn't affect their quality of life. At fourteen years old, you are the most loving, loyal companion I could ask ask for. Knowing you are well cared for and loved, is the most fulfilling feeling. I don't need anyone else's acceptance as long as I've got your's.

wear my boyfriend's hoodie

Memories and inside jokes flood through my mind. Just one whiff of your gray hoodie and I'm sucked into a different world of cozy, familiar comfort. It smells of your grandma's car, whose bumper is now covered in stickers we applied together. It smells of long rides home from shows in the city. It smells of the summer we shared together, which was my best yet. I suppose wearing this garment makes me feel just a bit closer to you, even when we can't be together. Being with my best friend is one of the best experiences I have encountered. It's a whole new world of feelings I never knew existed, until I felt them with you.

have nice customers

Working customer service can be the worst sometimes. You've got the cranky, pushy customers, crazy couponers, and you're running around at all times. It's truly exhausting, but what makes it all worth it (besides the paycheck, of course), are the genuinely nice people you have the opportunity interact with. I see some of my customers nearly every day, and I surprisingly look forward to it. These people have lives outside of their milk and egg run to Walgreens, and I think it's fascinating think about. We're all so used to leading our lives, but there are things going on outside of our own! It's interesting to see what people are buying sometimes. The first time I met one of my regulars will never be forgotten. She came in frantically, clearly stressed, with bags under her eyes. This was probably my first week or two on the job, so I hadn't really had anything out of the ordinary happen yet. This woman was buying typical items, along with some makeup. I followed my usual routine by asking her how she was doing, to which she replied, "I'm depressed." My heart sank. Maybe this was due to the shock of a stranger being so honest, but it touched me regardless. I told her I hope things pick up a bit. She didn't seem very convinced. I told her to buy some chocolate, but I figured that wasn't good enough. There was this box of chocolate that I had been wanting to try ever since I got hired. They were adorable and looked DELICIOUS.

I excitedly lead her to the chocolates and she decided to buy them, a little more content with life at the moment. I will never forget her. I actually wonder how she's doing every once in a while. I think it's just nice to have someone to talk to sometimes, even if it's a stranger. People are meant to help one another, regardless of how well they know each other.

go to house shows

Some people prefer going to concerts in large stadiums, where their favorite bands will dramatically enter the stage with smoke and confetti cascading from the high ceiling. The audience will roar in excitement as the suspense builds. Girls rise from their seats and squeal, swooning over the vocalist as he steps out of the magenta smoke, toward the mic. Various colored lights dance around the room to the beat of the song that landed in the Top-40, and the whole crowd joins in on the chorus. Now, that seems pretty exciting, but what else is there? I feel as though concerts like this lack heart. At least for me. I just don't feel I have gained anything after attending an event like this. Yes, I just called a concert an "event." I find the lengthy distance from the stage, flashing lights, and crazy effects take away from the connection you can have with music at a show. There is no happiness and harmony as pure as when you're in a tiny room, with maybe two or three handfuls of people, and your voices are just piercing the air in unison. It's the best feeling when the music stops, but everyone in the room is still singing their hearts out. The silence during a chant is beautiful. You can hear every last gasp for air, voice crack, and somehow, the passion in everyone's hearts. Nothing beats a chant sung by show-goers in a room. The act is so uplifting and beautiful, even if the words being sung are entirely morbid and depressing. Music takes you through different courses of your life. It's always there. Have you ever had that sudden rush of nostalgia when you revisit an album you used to play on repeat two summers ago? It's almost like time travel. That's why it's so uplifting to sing along with others. It's like you all secretly know the person next to you is going through something, just like you are. Every time I attend a house show, I take something away from it. It's like I learn something new about myself after connecting with complete strangers through lyric. I try to look back on large concerts I attended years ago, and all I can recollect are how the lights were moving, the confetti that fell from the ceiling, or how my feet got cut and bruised in the process. When I look back on different house shows I've gone to in the past, I remember how it felt, how everyone was smiling, and how beautiful it was. Music is the best medicine, especially when shared.

Hightide Hotel in Rockford 1.07.2011

Photo by unknown