Tuesday, September 18, 2012
work too much.
I have barely slept in the last two weeks, due to working and attending school full time. The only reason I'm getting full time right now is because so many people left at once and there's no one else to take their hours. It's wearing me down, and I can see it in my grades. Luckily, I just requested every Friday off in the future. I really hope that helps. Working is great, but not in abundance. The paycheck may be pretty, but my grades sure aren't.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
talk to my older brothers about deeper junk
(Or at all, for that matter.)
I am really upset and have no one to really talk to. Something most don't know about me is I have four older siblings, three of which are brothers. Ian lives with me, Daniel has his own place in Roselle, and Matthew lives in Seattle. Needless to say, I rarely speak with the latter two. Matt and I text every once in a while, and Daniel and I talk even less frequently. Funny thing, I went to do my english homework and forgot that I don't have a program that can open .doc files, so that made me even more upset than I already was. So I got on AIM. Yep, AIM. I knew Daniel would be on. I got on to ask him what program I should download, but I also wanted to talk a little bit. He's probably my favorite brother to talk to about deeper issues and things in general. We're a lot alike. I thought that after my dad lost our childhood home, I'd lose any connection with my siblings. And I feel like it's kind of true, but I'm glad I can still talk to them sometimes. Matt and Daniel are the only siblings I feel understand, though. Anyway, it just feels alright to have someone to talk to these days, even if it's super infrequent.
I am really upset and have no one to really talk to. Something most don't know about me is I have four older siblings, three of which are brothers. Ian lives with me, Daniel has his own place in Roselle, and Matthew lives in Seattle. Needless to say, I rarely speak with the latter two. Matt and I text every once in a while, and Daniel and I talk even less frequently. Funny thing, I went to do my english homework and forgot that I don't have a program that can open .doc files, so that made me even more upset than I already was. So I got on AIM. Yep, AIM. I knew Daniel would be on. I got on to ask him what program I should download, but I also wanted to talk a little bit. He's probably my favorite brother to talk to about deeper issues and things in general. We're a lot alike. I thought that after my dad lost our childhood home, I'd lose any connection with my siblings. And I feel like it's kind of true, but I'm glad I can still talk to them sometimes. Matt and Daniel are the only siblings I feel understand, though. Anyway, it just feels alright to have someone to talk to these days, even if it's super infrequent.
am sad.
I have nothing to say except, "I am sad." Very sad. This blog is meant to embrace the little things in life that make me happy. But what am I supposed to say when I'm not happy? I guess I could say how I feel when I am sad. I hope no one actually reads this, but I am going to lose it if I don't vent a little bit, and I have to write this dumb blog or I won't get a good grade so I don't want to do any extra work by doing these things separately.
I feel like a big, fat slug. I don't want to move. I don't want to eat. I don't want to go to sleep, even. Here I am, existing, with this giant void and sadness in me and there is nothing to be done about it. You'd think at eighteen, I could handle these feelings. But lately, all I can do is sit in my room and stare at the wall, focusing on the texture, color, anything, somehow convincing myself that it is the least bit productive. My entitlement to happiness is well deserved, but somehow, something manages to snatch it out of my hands the second it is within reach. I hate everything, at least until my next blog post.
I feel like a big, fat slug. I don't want to move. I don't want to eat. I don't want to go to sleep, even. Here I am, existing, with this giant void and sadness in me and there is nothing to be done about it. You'd think at eighteen, I could handle these feelings. But lately, all I can do is sit in my room and stare at the wall, focusing on the texture, color, anything, somehow convincing myself that it is the least bit productive. My entitlement to happiness is well deserved, but somehow, something manages to snatch it out of my hands the second it is within reach. I hate everything, at least until my next blog post.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
can tell my cat, Cartwright, is happy.
Although you are nearing old age, your stance is still just as loving and brave as when you were a little ball of fluff. You sleep in the crook of my legs when you know I'm depressed. You nod at me in acknowledgement. You squint at me with admiration. I don't think it's true what people say- that cats only rely on us for food. Pets, or should I say, companions, rely on us for love. In fact, they thrive on love. It'd be foolish to say showing genuine love and care for your companion doesn't affect their quality of life. At fourteen years old, you are the most loving, loyal companion I could ask ask for. Knowing you are well cared for and loved, is the most fulfilling feeling. I don't need anyone else's acceptance as long as I've got your's.
wear my boyfriend's hoodie
Memories and inside jokes flood through my mind. Just one whiff of your gray hoodie and I'm sucked into a different world of cozy, familiar comfort. It smells of your grandma's car, whose bumper is now covered in stickers we applied together. It smells of long rides home from shows in the city. It smells of the summer we shared together, which was my best yet. I suppose wearing this garment makes me feel just a bit closer to you, even when we can't be together. Being with my best friend is one of the best experiences I have encountered. It's a whole new world of feelings I never knew existed, until I felt them with you.
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